Salt Publishing

The mailman brought me a couple of presents on Wednesday, The Opposite of Cabbage by Rob. A. Mackenzie ( which I haven't read yet) from Salt Publishing, inside my package was a hand written thank-you from the sunny UK, from the editors. Once I get a chance to read the book, I will post my thoughts here, the book came recommended from several friends, so I am anxious to read it. I also received a care package from my friend Nicole, a CD of songs, a framed print of a poem she wrote for me, home made soap and a beautiful letter of warm and caring thoughts. A care package that was needed and came at exactly the right time. Thank-you my friend.

This week has been tough for me, physically I have not been 100%, and emotionally I have been a soppy wet dishrag. I have been undergoing physical therapy for some degeneration of a couple of vertebrae, that in itself is no big deal, I am closer to 50 than 40 ( that looks awful does it not-50) and my body has had its share of bumps and bruises along the way, and luckily no surgery is needed. The cure however may be worse than the disease, as all of the nerves in my hands and legs are wide awake and speaking in tongues.

I can not decipher what they are saying and why, only that they are noisy and fully awake. I am a diabetic, and have been for 16 years, and honestly have not always done exactly what I should of been doing and have apportioned a generous share of self loathing and guilt to my psyche for diabetic n0n-compliance. I have been lucky, knock wood that I have no serious diabetic side effects, no nerve or tissue damage, fully functioning kidneys and during the last twenty years have really only had a few times when the disease was kicking my ass. I know I could of done better, and when I start serving myself a slice of guilt pie, all of my fears float to the surface ( both fear and hope float) and I struggle. Two years ago I had an episode of angina and a massive panic attack ( my first of three-thankfully the last two years mostly panic free) triggered by arthritis in my left shoulder, following the episode, I had every heart test known to man, the result being I had a 42 year old body. Considering I was 42, I was okay with this. This episode however was the first time I tasted fully my own mortality, and I realized that I was not ready to move on, that I wanted a full measure of life, to see my daughter married, to hold my first grandchild and to drive that handsome man I married crazy another 20 to 40 years.

These weird rumblings that have been echoing through this body of mine, resurrected my fears, and I spent a few days in fear's twilight zone. A place I wish on no one. I went to my doctor ( who's name is Gabrielle and might be my guardian angel) who listened to my fears and ordered a test that would rule out most of the worse that had hold of my imagination. I also asked my friends for prayer, I am a spiritual person, I believe in a God of Grace, and that all living things are connected, that there is reason, purpose and a pattern to all life. That the force of life that spark that defines us, comes from God. I am a Christian, and have always struggled a bit with my own faith, I am the proverbial Doubting Thomas, but I am still here, still believing, and still trying to live my life in a way that honors the gift that Jesus gave me. This week a trial for me, but also an experience of love, as several of my friends shared with me their own experiences and taught me how to pray in a way that frees the heart from fear, and for that I want to say a heartfelt thanks. With God's Grace, I am mostly groovy.